Fun-sized? Let me tell you, there is nothing fun about getting a square-inch sized piece of candy. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a sweet tooth, and that’s an understatement.

I do not simply take one Reese’s peanut butter cup, I take 12. I dip French fries in chocolate. I will eat all the Oreos by myself, but I’ll eat them in groups of four and insist that four is all I had; I do not know where your Oreos went. When I hear couples talking about being “the big spoon,” I only think about how I need an enormous titanium spoon so that I can eat my ice cream with better efficiency alone in my room.

I have a sweet tooth.

So don’t you dare tell me that dropping a teeny tiny chocolate in my Jack O’ Lantern is fun when you can certainly do better—why do you think I trick or treat in this part of town? I don’t even live here.

 I’ll tell you what: buy 50 bags of “fun-sized” Milky Ways, unwrap every single individual candy, and dump them all in a kiddie pool and let me live there.

That. Is. Fun.

Or, you can buy the normal-sized candy bars.