During the holiday season, Santa Claus spends quite a bit of time at the mall, with little kids making the annual trek to sit on his lap. And while Santa’s very nice and polite, his thoughts aren’t always as sweet as sugar. This is a day in the mind of Santa.

 “Hey, buddy. What do you want for Christmas? Oh, a Transformer? Oh, I’ll be sure to put in a good word!”
Typical.

“Ho, ho, ho!”
Why does that elf keep staring?

“Oh, there, there, son. Don’t cry, it’s just Santa!”
Oh my God, Shut up, shut up, shut up! You’re freaking me out!

“Oh, twins! Two of you? That’s great!”
Oh, twins. Two of you? Great.

 “Look at your matching reindeer outfits! How  wonderful!”
 Pssh, that’s original.

Hello, little boy! What do you want for Christmas? A Transformer? You bet!”
Why are they so popular this year? They don’t even do anything.

It’s okay, sweetie. That wasn’t the first time someone’s had an accident.”
I will not freak out, I will not freak out. Eesh, it’s so warm.

“So what do you want for Christmas?”
Besides rubber underwear.

“Hello, sweetheart. What’s your name? Suzy? That’s wonderful! And how old are you?”
She’s at least eight years old.

“You’re four? Wow.”
Wow…

“Oh, ho, ho! It’s so nice to see a bunch of tall ones like you!”
Oh, god, a bunch of teenagers.

“Is my beard real? Well, of course it is!”  
Don’t these kids have anything better to do?
“Hey, gimme back my beard or I will make you see visions of sugarplums all year round!”
 “Hey there, Sweetie! What do you want for Christmas? World peace? That’s beautiful!”
Look out, another Miss America.

“Hello, kiddo! What do you want for Christmas?…a…Transformer….”
When is my break!?