I’m going talk about something I’m not, but wish I was, and surprisingly, it’s not Blake Lively.

    There are generally two kinds of people in this world: morning people and people who still have a little bit of sanity left. I don’t fit into either of those categories, so there’s got to be at least three, right?

    People who are considered “morning people” aren’t just people who wake up in the morning. They’re people who wake up in the parts of the morning that should still be considered night.      

When us weird Internet people are just going to bed, morning people are starting to wake up.

Morning people are those people you meet up with for brunch, and they already have millions of stories about how their day had gone so far, and you’re just sitting there like “yeah, well I.. uh.. I got up and then I…you know…here I am.”

    Morning people are the kind of people who have extremely stereotypical Instagram accounts, like pictures of running shoes next to a sunrise, aerial shots of their coffee and green smoothies. They love hashtags like #Morning, #EarlyBird, #HowDoYouLikeYourCoffee, #JustKiddingYoureStillAsleep, #IWokeUpLikeDis.

   They tend to be the kind of people who buy planners and calendars and actually use them for more than a day. So, that doesn’t include a lot of high schoolers, like you needed me to tell you that.     

    Morning people also eat good breakfasts on days that aren’t the weekend and are still somehow on time to where they need to be. So, while the rest of us are driving one-handed, eating a bagel on the way to school with 10 minutes until the bell rings, morning people are already sitting in their first period class, drinking coffee they actually had time to go buy.

    Honestly, when you think about it, we can use the desire for a healthy and on-time lifestyle as extra motivation to get up earlier. Yeah, okay, you can stop laughing now.

    You know what morning people are like? Dogs. Even if they are in a deep sleep, if they have even the slightest sense that it’s an acceptable time to wake up, they do. With no hesitation. And then they proceed to wake up everyone else they live with, as if they have a death wish that we non-morning people are more than happy to grant them.

    Seriously, calm down. It’s 6 a.m.

    So, as you can tell, I’m not a morning person. I do wish that I could be, if that counts for anything.

    But honestly, how much better are you?