Growing up I hated horror movies with the fire of a thousand suns, and that is putting it lightly. It’s a little embarrassing, but all the way up until my freshman year, I was the biggest chicken. I honestly couldn’t watch horror movies because I was so afraid of them that it would actually affect me in real life. I mean, I used to never go to the bathroom late at night because I was too apprehensive to go. Sometimes, I was even too scared to wash my face because I was afraid something was going to come up behind me while my eyes were closed. Also, I would check behind the shower curtain to make sure no one was behind it. Come to think of it, anything bathroom related after a horror movie is scary when you are as timid as I was.

The main way I got over my fear of horror movies was by bringing them into perspective. When you think about how easy it is to survive in a horror movie, you will find it pretty easy to survive watching one too.

1. Don’t be an idiot 
Pretty simple. Use common sense, Never go towards a sound. The No. 1 thing that irritates me in horror movies is: why are all the characters stupid? If you are running away from a ghost or a killer and you hear something in the other room, why the heck would you go check it out? If you hear something creepy, stay away from it. It’s common sense.

2. Have basic coordination and cardio 
Why is it when there is something chasing you, you guys always seem to fall down? I mean, honestly, how often do you fall down when you run? How hard is it to keep running when a killer is chasing after you? If you have normal coordination, you should be able to outrun a killer. Most of the time the killer is at a massive disadvantage. Take the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy for example, he is dressed in a suit, which is probably already hard enough to run in. Let alone the fact that he has to wear a mask which limits his vision, he should be the one that is tripping, not you. Then he’s carrying a chainsaw, and do you know how heavy a chainsaw is? Me neither, but it is probably a lot heavier than what you are carrying, which should be nothing. If you cannot out run that guy, then you deserve whatever you have coming to you.

3. Have a clumsy, dumb friend
This next one may sound a little messed up and I apologize, but if you are in a horror movie, it is always good to have a clumsy, dumb friend. This is the guy or girl that is going to trip while you are running away from the killer. I mean, it is not that bad, think of it as an honorable sacrifice. Be real with yourself, if you and your friend are running from a killer and they tripped, you would probably leave them for dead. We all know that friend, and if you don’t, it’s you. Sorry.

4. Don’t film yourself sleeping
If you really think your house is haunted, either you ignore it, or get out. If you film yourself sleeping, you only have two outcomes: either you are going to see something that will scare you even more, or you are going to have hours of extremely boring footage to watch. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse.

5. Basements and attics are off limits 
For some reason, every single bad thing starts off in an attic or a basement. Don’t even think about stepping into one of these.

6. Keep your cell phone on silent
Cell phones always ring at the absolute worst moments: when you’re taking a test, at a movie, at church, or when you’re hiding from a serial killer. Come on, it is basic hide-and-seek etiquette.

7. Never open mirror cabinets
Once you open a mirror cabinet, the moment you close it there is going to be somebody behind you. If not, the moment you turn after that there is going to someone there too.

8. Go on the offensive 
This may not apply to all of the horror movie antagonists, these are more for the possessed dolls, ghosts and whatnot. These killers or ghosts are used to people getting scared of them then running and hiding. The last thing they would expect is for you to fight back. Some of the most scary horror villains are actually the least intimidating when you really think about it. For example, the girl from The Ring. If a little girl were to crawl out of your TV and try to kill you, yeah she is creepy, but she’s a little girl, you can take her. If you were to have a little possessed doll named Chucky chasing after you, just have somebody hold him down and punt that evil, possessed entity. Remember, that if you do somehow manage to get them down, finish the job. Never walk over to what you think is the dead body, why do you have to check anyway? They are never dead the first time.

9. Do not own a record player
Seriously, it’s 2016, no one should have a record player anymore. Unless you want it to turn on by itself or maybe change track at some point or just start spinning backwards and start reversing everything while having some demonic voice coming out of it.

10. Never look into small holes
Never look into a peephole, or a small crack or a little space. Chances are you are going to see another eye.

11. Never listen for a killer through a door
Never lean on a door to listen for a killer. The killer knows exactly where you are at all times. Since physics never applies in horror movies, he is going to stab you right through that door.

12. Don’t hide under the bed 
If you are going to be a hider, never hide under the bed. In horror movies, hiding under the bed is not hiding. You are going to get dragged out by a demon, a killer or something else. That is your own fault, because that’s the first place I would look too.

13. If there are signs telling you to get out, get out. 
This is big one. For example, if you walk into a room and there is one single light source hanging from a ceiling, you should probably get out. If you walk into a room and the lights are flickering, you should probably get out. If you get a new house for a really good deal and all the other neighbors are scared of you, get out. If you see someone in the reflection of a mirror or window that are not supposed to be there. If you hear that the previous owner was murdered in your house. If you ever see someone in your house that is not supposed to be in your house. If you have a kid that knows how to astral project. If you have no cell phone service. If it is always storming. If there is a sign that says beware, keep out or danger. And if there is literally a sign that says get out, then just be like “K, see you never. Bye.” And get out.

14. Listen to PSAs
And last and probably the most important tip, don’t do anything a PSA would tell you not to do. You know, like drugs, sex, and violence. Do not do drugs, don’t be the stoner guy, he is guaranteed to die. Abstinence, if you are having sex, most often in the car for some reason, you are going to die. Don’t be violent, the killer will out violent you. Because the more violent you are, the more violent your death is going to be. Come to think of it, horror movies actually have good morals. If people really want kids to stop doing drugs, sex, and violence, they should start showing these movies in classes. That is far more persuasive than sex-ed, drug-ed and…violent-ed?

Anyway, that is pretty much all the tips I could come up for now. I’m sure I missed a lot of horror movie survival tips, if you have a better one, good for you. Remember it just in case, I guess. Whenever you find yourself watching a horror movie, just be glad it isn’t you and think of all the ways the scenario could have been avoided. Also, feel free to yell at the TV because of the character’s stupidity. Then suddenly it will not seem as scary.